26 July 2011

From the Ketchup Advisory Board

TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. A dry summer and not too hot, so we saved money on air conditioning and gas for the lawn mower. Which is good because my employer, NorCom, is going through a strategic realignment. What it means is that we're all laid off and then they offer us our jobs back at half-pay. So when we went to the State Fair, we didn't have the big $7 corn dog, we had a $3 corn dog, and when we had all the milk we could drink for $1, we stayed for almost an hour. And then we went through the Grandstand building and Barb saw a model lake cabin and decided she had to have one—

SS: Oh, Jim. Look at that. A cabin, with a fireplace and a screened porch and bunkbeds — I wish we had one.

TR: Barb, cabins are like boats. It's good to know somebody who has one but you wouldn't want to have one yourself.

SS: Just a simple cabin in the woods with a dock and an outhouse and a nice breeze blowing in off the lake.

TR: Or a nice breeze blowing in off the outhouse. Snakes live in outhouses, Barb. Poisonous snakes. Think about it. You go out there to have a private moment and next thing you know, you're dead with your shorts down around your ankles...

SS: Why are you always so negative, Jim---

TR: There'd be raccoons in the crawl space and they'd carry some unique virus and we'd eat it in our scrambled eggs and die and they'd find our bodies half eaten by raccoons.

SS: Oh Jim, please. The Murchisons love their lake cabin, they get all happy and relaxed.....

TR: The Murchisons are on a prescription medication to keep them happy and relaxed. And it makes them forget. Listen, all we need is ketchup, Barb

SS: Ketchup?

TR: Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you realize you don't need a cabin to feel good. You just need a cool place and an electric fan and an imagination, that's all...

These are the good times
For the summer birds
Heading south for winter
In their great bird herds.
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on cheese curds.

GK: Ketchup, for the good times

RD: Ketchup, ketchup.

Fulltext of the Prairie Home Companion script is here, MP3 is here.

[After a dinner discussion last night re the therapeutic value of ketchup, I decided to repost this item from 2009].


  1. "Stupid TV - be more funny!"

    -Darren MacLennan

  2. For therapeutic value, chili sauce has ketchup beat by a mile. I don't know why anybody ever uses ketchup when chili sauce is available.

    --Swift Loris

  3. Apropos in a round about way perhaps: a few years ago I was at a historical site containing a preacher's house and outhouse where, while in the outhouse, the preacher had been bitten by a spider and died. I was a little embarrassed to be amused at the story and still smile when I remember it. As well recently read an article on Al Jazeera that the most prescriptions written for a certain class of drugs in the U.S. are written for mental or emotional problems.
    Ketchup on mother's macaroni and cheese - heavenly.

  4. Ketchup's natural mellowing agents do seem to make life better. However, sometimes you need a little more than mellow. For those times, I still reach for a bottle of Ahua!

    Remember their jingle?

    The Jalapeno's grown in Sweden,
    And Spring is when they put the seed in.
    And when that Jalapeno's eaten, Its a heck of a deal!

    I'm a real good eater, Ja, you betcha.
    I really love that red hot ketchup.
    It doesn't wait, it comes to getcha!
    Its a heck of a deal!



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